Mundane Mondays, Vol. II: Snoring and Snartles

Monday, March 18, 2013

So I snore. Loudly. I can't help it, both my father and my mother snore. My father snores so loudly that for years, my mom retires to the guest bedroom or couch for the night. This doesn't really help because you can hear his snoring from their bedroom on the second story from the basement on a bad night. I actually did a sleep study one time and the sleep specialist told me that I can thank probably thank my parents for their awesome genes and the likelihood that my light sleep apnea will get worse as I grow older. Thanks guys, for this incredible sound that comes out of me at night. It's not a cute flutter, it sounds more like lumberjacks sawing a giant log while grizzly bears roar and an earthquake occurs, all at the same time.

But this is not a story about how I'm the worst person in the world to share a bed.

Well I am actually, I need my own duvet and like to occupy about 93% of a queen sized bed. If you sleep next to me and happen to leave the comfortable slice of the warm bed that I allow you for say, an untimely trip to the loo, YOUR SPACE WILL NOT BE WAITING FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK.

Morgan has this story he likes to tell where one unfortunate night he did have to get up to relieve himself and when he came back not only had I sprawled out over the entire bed, but when he tried to move me I defended my territory and mumbled "mahhh behhd!" at him. Yes, even asleep I will not relinquish my bed.

Again, this is not a story about Mimi the Bed Hog and her snoring.

Because despite how terrible of a bed companion I am, there is one thing Morgan does that is so much worse. The Snartle. I made that word up. (Actually, Urban Dictionary has another definition for that word that is ... unsavory and pretty disgusting.) You know what a snartle is? It is when Morgan spastically snorts in his sleep so loud and suddenly that he startles both of us awake. I say that this is worse because while he can fall asleep and stay asleep despite my frequent but consistent snoring, there is no way you can sleep peacefully slumber with a Snartler. It's random; you never know when the Snartler will twitch his limbs and jerk around the whole bed.

There's no falling asleep comfortably after a snartle.

You lay in waiting. For the next one. You grow resentful of the Snartler who manages to fall asleep again. It's his snartle that did this to you.

So Morgan told me to kick him awake to turn him to his side since he snartles less on his side. It took me all half a second to agree to that.

Balance is restored.

I am fully aware that I might be a horrible person. My retelling of various stories is meant to be humorous, not writen confessions of what an awful individual I am.